So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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