You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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