he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
