did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
