FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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