1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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