I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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