The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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