New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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