last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
