forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
