my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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