Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
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It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I will be naked everywhere
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
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My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Drunk is a universal language darling
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