just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
