im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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