I am midnight drunk by noon
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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