I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
