Non-Jews are for practice
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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