my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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