My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
