the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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