MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm getting married
To pizza
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
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