I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
