i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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