and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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