fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
