I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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