I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Randomize
