if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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