you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
