Swine flu is the new snow day.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
it's like heaven, but drunker
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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