You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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