He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
this is an emotional support booty call
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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