hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
