Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
