Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
