Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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