Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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