I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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