all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Randomize
