put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
