So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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