I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
