I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
