I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
