I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
