last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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