Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
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