obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
