I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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