On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
