I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
