i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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