I love having hate sex.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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