Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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