I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
